Nostalgia…..
As I walk back home every morning after work, exhausted and sleep-deprived, I don’t have the energy to think much, but my mind is still active. I don’t know how, but I’m still thinking, calculating things.
Today, as I was walking back, there was a scent in the air, the scent of a flower or something, and as I smelled it, I remembered some days from the past. The kind that usually go unnoticed. I remembered moments, not the loudest or the most happening, but the quiet ones. The kind that comes after the end of a long day, like the calm that follows or the smell of sand after the first rain.
Nostalgic, as ever.
I was too tired to be fully swept away by it, but it tried. I was getting nostalgia for everything. I know it’s a silent killer, the way it holds you in the past and makes you stay there.
I wish to be free, but that itself feels like a trap. There’s no such thing as freedom. There’s always a responsibility, to be there for yourself, if not for others. Responsibility for your family, your actions, your future. What a naive thought, to believe that fewer responsibilities mean more happiness. Like a moth to a flame, I keep chasing freedom.
There are days when I feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff, when things are getting worse than I usually allow. I’m getting carried away, and I know I shouldn’t.
I always thought of myself as an outsider looking in. Turns out, I’ve become exactly that, always on the outside, still looking in. I think deeply. I feel deeply. And more than anything, I’m caught in the webs of both. The confusion keeps growing. I try to reach some conclusion, but nothing feels final. Nothing stays.
The worst part of nostalgia is when you live it alone. It makes you feel lonelier than ever. The scent of the trees, the softness of the wind, the fresh fragrance of flowers. I don’t know why they carry this wave of nostalgia, but they do. I’m tired, and I’m still walking, still trying to reach home. I’ll sleep for a few hours, eat something, dread having to return to work again, and repeat myself for the next two days.
I’ve always tried to find meaning in things. I read between the lines, the pauses, the silence. I observe through my own lens, however flawed it may be. I don’t claim to be right or to know much, but when I see someone refuse what’s clearly in front of them, I don’t understand. Are you defying the truth, or are you just choosing not to see it?
I know I shouldn’t use words like “stupid”, but sometimes it makes me angry. Even when you show someone the direction, they look away. I try to understand their perspective. I let go of my assumptions. I try, and still, I fail to grasp it. But these things feel small compared to what everyday life feels like. Especially in summer. When the sun is shining so brightly, it feels strange to carry sadness. Unless you’re deeply depressed or constantly overwhelmed, it feels like the brightness outside should cancel out the weight inside. Still, I get it. I have days where I can’t get myself to move, when the mood is wrong and everything feels heavier than it should.
It’s already mid July. Six months have passed. Some flew by, others dragged on. And it’s not just in the morning. At night too, especially after 1 a.m., as I walk to work, the scent of the flowers returns. Even in their sleep, they release something beautiful. It’s comforting, in a strange way, to think of them just existing, participating in life without needing to explain it.
“A man can endure anything except the lack of meaning.” I’m not entirely certain if this was quoted by Viktor Frankl but I think I’m there. I don’t know if there’s any meaning in working for forty years, five days a week, socialising on weekends, saving a little for the future, and dying without warning.
Is there meaning in that? Or was Camus right? Maybe absurdism will help me understand it, Can faith answer the question better, or were we never meant to ask it in the first place? Why is life inherently meaningless, or is it just that we can’t find the meaning in it?.
Why are we told we must create our own? Why do we have to fight for a meaningful life? I know there’s a door I have to walk through. And the fear of not opening it, or worse, opening it and being changed by what’s on the other side, that’s what holds me back. What if I don’t come out the same. What if I can’t stand at the end of it.
Quiet rebellion has become the bare minimum. And if we’re only living for the bare minimum, then what is the point. The rage I feel tells me the fire is still burning. That I want to live. That I want to believe it’ll get better. But how long can someone wait for better?There will be answers. Some may disappoint me. But they’ll be answers all the same. Irrefutable.
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A lot of people turn to religion at these moments in their lives.
It's a dirty word nowadays, largely because our current western culture has reduced and stripped down the meaning of the word to something very narrow. Religion and fundamentalism are not synonyms. Evolutionary psychology explains how religion developed for a purpose, for the fulfillment of real human needs. And in my opinion, scientific understanding doesn't preclude or invalidate spiritual understanding. Some things are obviously not true. Others simply can't be proven, and some "unproven" things can be beneficial for the psyche.
You seem to subscribe to a nihilistic, existentialist paradigm. That isn't me being patronizing; a lot of paradigms are simply ways of articulating what many people already believe without knowing anything about them.
I'm not really saying you should become religious. Still, as a single man, you'd do well to choose something to believe in... an overall framework or lens to understand and navigate the world. It doesn't have to be a closed system that blocks you from learning anything new, either. The realm of belief is where meaning is generated or discovered, depending on what exactly you believe.
Also, women appreciate a man who carries his own meaning within him and isn't still floating on the winds of life like a seed, waiting for a relationship partner to create that meaning for him. Having a "mission" or "vision" for your life, however subjective that may be, is a more attractive way to be than emptiness. Fill yourself with something and leave room for someone else to join you there when that time comes. You'll be happier, and the lack of that makes you more needy. You'll have more to offer with it than without it.